Setting: Living room of Jenny and Simone's apartment.
On Rise: Before rise, Joni Mitchell's song "Chelsea Morning" plays. The same song ends the show.
On rise, Jenny onstage, alone, working on her taxes.
JENNY
(talking to the form she is working on)
Add line 34 and line 5. If the result is greater than . . .
What line 34? Where? There is no line 34. Idiots. This has got to be a typo. Show me, just show me line 34.
(to audience) Taxes. I'm doing my taxes.
(sighs, returns to forms, stares at forms)
Oh. That line 34. Okay. Add line 34 to line 5. Add? No subtract, right? They gotta mean subtract. Please God don't make me add line 34 to line 5.
(to audience) The three certainities. Death, taxes . . . and roommates.
Roommates. Can be great. Can be tedious. Roommates. I have had pretty good luck myself. Like Simone, my current roommate. I like Simone. I mean, we are very different people, like, you know, she's horrible and I'm not. But I like her.
However, I'm ready to leave this lifestyle behind. I'm ready to lead a life without all this tension around things like . . . the phone bill. And I am. Don and I are getting married. Don isn't exactly what I had envisioned, like when I was thirteen. But he is right for me. He is simply a good, honest person. Doesn't seem like much does it? A good, honest person. Until you look around.
DON (OS)
When do you expect her back?
JENNY
What?!
DON
(Entering w/ two drinks)
When do you think Simone will be back home?
JENNY
A couple of days ago she went to a poetry festival or something. I haven't seen her since.
DON
I don't want to be around when you ask her about me staying here.
JENNY
Oh it will be fine.
DON
I just want her to feel comfortable about saying no.
JENNY
She won't say no, for heaven's sake. It's just for a few days. And anyway, she has brought home her share of temporary roommates.
DON
I guess . . .
JENNY
Don, it's not a big deal. She's had men staying here for weeks where I don't even know their name. She can't possibly object to you. You're like family.
DON
I know, I know. I still don't want to be here when you ask her.
JENNY
Don, first of all, it's only for a couple of days. Second of all, Simone is not very aware of other human beings anyway.
(sound of Simone outside the door)
Speak of the devil.
DON
Oh crap.
(DON runs and hides in the closet)
JENNY
Don! Don, don't be ridiculous.
(SIMONE enters, carrying grocery bags)
SIMONE
Hi Jen. I thought I heard you talking with someone.
JENNY
I'm talking to Don. He's hiding in the closet.
(During the following, SIMONE is bustling around, high octane. Exiting and entering. Putting away groceries, straightening up the house etc.)
SIMONE
Great. Listen, I'm really in a rush. Could you help me.
JENNY
Say, Simone, would you mind if--
SIMONE
I can't wait to tell you what has happened to me. Remember that poetry festival I went to a couple days ago?
JENNY
Yes. I haven't seen you since.
SIMONE
By the way, I passed by Don's building. It's all covered over with a huge tarp.
JENNY
Yes they're fumigating his building, so he has to move out for a few days.
SIMONE
Oh, is that all. I was hoping it was a Cristo installation.
JENNY
No, just a cockroach infestation. So that's what I wanted to talk to you a--
SIMONE
So anyway, you haven't asked me what's happened.
JENNY
(giving up) So what's happened?
SIMONE
I think I've met someone.
JENNY
Really.
SIMONE
You know how I've always said I'm an answer looking for the right question.
JENNY
Yeah . . .
SIMONE
Guess what?
JENNY
You found the right question.
SIMONE
(squirming with excitement) I think so! Aren't you excited?!?
JENNY
Yeah . . . I guess. I mean, I could get more excited if you wouldn't switch questions every two weeks.
SIMONE
I really think this one's different. I really do. I've never felt like this before.
JENNY
Okay - so who is it this time?
SIMONE
That's not a very nice attitude.
JENNY
Sorry. So okay. Who is it?
SIMONE
Well, he read some of his stuff at the poetry festival. He was just so . . . intense. After the festival a bunch of us went out to Blake's Bar and he was there. So I get to talking to him and told him how I really liked his stuff. And he goes "I really like your stuff," you know, even though I hadn't read anything. And it's real sexy and we're like totally oozing chemistry all over the place. It was like . . . covalent bonding.
JENNY
Whoa. Great! So about Don--
SIMONE
We were in bed together within two hours. It was beyond covalent bonding, it was like . . .exothermic.
JENNY
Wow!
So, anyway would you mind if for the next few days, Don--
SIMONE
You won't believe what he does for a living.
(JENNY sighs, indicates that Simone should tell her what he does for a living)
He's a performance artist.
JENNY
A performance artist! Really - wow. That reminds me, Don needs --
SIMONE
Wanna know his name?
JENNY
In a moment, but first can we just--
SIMONE
He just has one name. He changed his name to be just one name. It's all legal. It's like on his drivers license and everything.
JENNY
Whoa - that's so cool. So for the next few days Don needs--
SIMONE
Wanna know what he changed his name to?
JENNY
(sighs)
Simone
(dramatic pause) Doug.
JENNY
(long pause, disbelief) Doug?
SIMONE
It's on his checking account and everything. Have you heard of him?
JENNY
Well . . . I . . . I have heard of people named Doug.
SIMONE
Well, that's him.
JENNY
Is he really making a living off of performing?
SIMONE
No, he's working part time in a funeral home.
JENNY
This guy sounds, umm . . . .
SIMONE
Oh yeah, he really is.
You know like after about the first day together we were like sharing with each other our hopes and dreams for the future.
So he told me his dream is to open up his own funeral home one day. I really think he could revolutionize the whole industry. He wants to combine performance art and funerals. He'd like to open up a whole chain of performance art funeral homes.
JENNY
Really?
SIMONE
Yeah - he's already picked out a slogan
(indicating the marquee with her hand)
"We Put the Fun Back in Funeral."
JENNY
Wow.
SIMONE
I think it could work.
JENNY
Yeah, so anyway, how about if Don--
SIMONE
And it just keeps totally blowing us away how many things we have in common. Like just last night we discovered that neither of us flushes for number one.
(waits expectantly for a response)
JENNY
(struggling) So . . . you . . .
(gets it) both share a deep concern for the environment and are committed to taking personal responsibility for your actions.
SIMONE
Exactly.
(DON raps on closet door.)
Just a minute.
(SIMONE goes to front door.)
JENNY
So as I was mentioning,
(SIMONE opens door and finds no one there)
Don is having this work done to his house and--
SIMONE
Oh Jenny, I really think this is the big one. We just have some practicalities to work out. You know, like he lives in Seattle, I live here.
JENNY
Well, these things can be worked out.
SIMONE
He is just down for the poetry conference.
JENNY
The important thing is that you care about one another.
SIMONE
And he has to get a divorce.
JENNY
Simone!
SIMONE
Well, they've apparently been having some troubles lately and --
JENNY
I can't believe this. This married guy goes to some festival, you have an affair with him for two days and now he's getting a divorce?
SIMONE
Well . . .
JENNY
This is incredible.
SIMONE
Oh I think so too.
He said he'd always dreamed of having his marriage destroyed by someone like me. Isn't that the sweetest thing?
JENNY
NO! It's not the sweetest thing! I can't believe this. You ought to be ashamed --
SIMONE
(getting defensive) Look - you are totally happy with Don, that's fine. I could never be happy with someone like him. Nice and stable and dependable. Forget it. That's not me.
JENNY
Simone! Don is in the closet!
SIMONE
Oh come on. Don doesn't have the balls to be gay.
JENNY
No, I mean--
SIMONE
But do I say you should be ashamed because you're attracted to someone like Don? No. So I lead a wilder life than you. We're different. So what?
JENNY
The . . . the "so what" is that you're breaking up a marriage after . . . after being together for two days.
SIMONE
You know what I think. I think you're envious.
JENNY
(dismissive) Ohmf.
SIMONE
You enjoy probing into my love life because you don't have the guts to do the same.
JENNY
Oh come on . . .
SIMONE
You try to pawn off your gutlessness as some morally superior position. Well, I don't buy it.
You're involved with some nice dependable guy who rotates his tires every 10,000 miles and you're too scared to try something racier.
(JENNY becomes flustered)
(more tenderly) Jenny . . .
JENNY
(hurt) Don and I have a very deep relationship.
SIMONE
And that's fine for you. For me, I need passion. If I want depth . . . I'll read a book.
(SIMONE puts her arm around JENNY.)
Look, both of us know we are very different. That's what I like about our relationship. None of my other friends are like you. Let's not let this get in the way of our friendship.
(JENNY shakes her head 'yes.')
OK then . . .
It's just like Joni Mitchell says in her song A Case of You:
"Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints"
(pause)
I think that's like so true for all of us . . .
Listen, I need to get ready. I've invited Doug over for hors d' oeuvres. He wants to see where I live and meet you and everything. Oh, I am so happy.
JENNY
I can't wait to meet the new mystery man.
SIMONE
Good. Can you help me get ready?
(SIMONE exits)
I want everything to be perfect for Doug.
JENNY
Sure. Simone, listen, about Don--
SIMONE (OS)
You know, since Don's place is being fumigated, maybe he should stay here for a few days.
JENNY
Simone! That's very thoughtful of you. That would be very nice.
(SIMONE enters with box of condoms.)
SIMONE
Before I forget, I want to give you my left over supply of condoms.
JENNY
Well . . . ah . . . gee, thank you, but don't you want them?
SIMONE
(SIMONE exiting)
I thought you could give them to Don. They're much too small for Doug.
(JENNY stands there a moment, holding condoms. SIMONE enters again.)
Do we still have your mom's silverware somewhere?
(SIMONE opens closet. There stands DON. SIMONE screams, hands to the side of her face.)
JENNY
I've been trying to tell you--
SIMONE
(SIMONE turns, hands still to the side of her face.)
I left my keys in the car!
(SIMONE exits. Pause.)
DON
Well.
JENNY
Well.
DON
That wasn't so hard after all.
JENNY
No.
DON
That was nice of her to give me her old condoms.
(JENNY puts condoms behind her back)
So, I guess we should help her get ready.
JENNY
Guess so.
DON
Whatever happened to Peter?
JENNY
Peter?
DON
Remember? Simone's friend that spent Christmas with us here.
JENNY
Peter. Hmmm. I can't even remember that one.
DON
Peter was a nice person.
JENNY
You think everyone's a nice person.
DON
Remember, we used to hear "Oh Peter . . . Peter . . . PETER!"
JENNY
Ah yes. That guy who use to scream his own name during sex.
He was about five or six boyfriends in the past.
DON
Five or six? Gee, poor Simone. That must be hard on her.
JENNY
Well, it's how she chooses to live her life.
DON
But, I mean, don't you think it takes a toll on her emotionally? Changing dance partners so often?
JENNY
For Simone, love isn't like dancing. Love, for Simone, is more like . . . tag-team wrestling.
DON
Well. I just wonder if we shouldn't be a bit more concerned about her.
JENNY
She can take care of herself.
(SIMONE enters)
SIMONE
What a hassle. Oh, hi Don.
DON
I hope me being here is not an intrusion.
SIMONE
Oh no, it's fine.
DON
You won't even notice I'm here.
SIMONE
That's probably true.
(SIMONE springs into action)
Okay, to work everyone, Doug will be here any minute. The kitchen sink is a mess.
JENNY
Those are your dishes from--
SIMONE
Don, could you be a doll and get down the silverware? Jenny, in the bags are some things from the deli. Could you put those out? And use the white plates. Do we have an empty paper bag?
JENNY
The bags are where they've always--
SIMONE
(SIMONE gets paper bag, everyone is all hustle bustle)
Jenny, where is that book of Indian folklore, with those great photos?
JENNY
You lent that to--
SIMONE
Oh that's right. The bastard.
(SIMONE sweeps everything off the coffee table into the paper bag.)
We don't have anything really tacky on the refrigerator door do we?
JENNY
What are you doing!?!
SIMONE
Like, you know, Far Side cartoons or anything.
JENNY
I was working on my taxes there.
SIMONE
Oh well, (holding up bag) it's all right here. Do we have any, like, art book or some nice big interesting book?
JENNY
Well, we had that book of Indian folklore.
SIMONE
We don't have any really fabulous coffee table book?
JENNY
We have a dictionary.
SIMONE
No. No. Something that makes a statement about who we are. Something engaging. Something interesting.
DON
You could open the dictionary to an interesting word.
SIMONE
(Pause) Don. That is like . . . totally . . . stupid.
(Pause) Like what word?
Oh, Jenny Jenny Jenny NO! The white cups that match the plates. Don, after you've done that, could you move the television into the closet?
JENNY
What!
SIMONE
You don't want Doug to think we watch TV do you?
JENNY
Well, frankly I really don't--
SIMONE
Oh I forgot the music.
(SIMONE dashes over to the CD player)
Do you have any requests?
JENNY
How about something classical.
SIMONE
Here we go. Joni Mitchell.
DON
So, Simone, I assume you're going to the Joni Mitchell reunion concert.
(SIMONE gets VERY intense)
SIMONE
What! Joni Mitchell's having a reunion concert! When! Where!
JENNY
Wait. How can a single person --
DON
I just saw it in the Sunday paper.
SIMONE
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
DON
So I guess you didn't--
SIMONE
Do we still have the Sunday paper!?!?
JENNY
I think I recycled it.
SIMONE
Oh my god. Oh it's probably sold out.
JENNY
Well, actually I doubt that--
SIMONE
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
DON
Do you want me to run down and see if it's in today's paper?
JENNY
I think we're all needed to help get ready.
SIMONE
Oh my god.
DON
Tell you what. After Doug gets here I'll run down and get the paper.
SIMONE
Oh Don. That would be great. Oh thank you. Thank you.
JENNY
Focus everyone. Focus.
SIMONE
My god, I haven't changed my clothes yet.
(Doorbell rings. Everyone whips around to look at the door. Tableau. Doorbell rings again. SIMONE breaks, and heads for door She opens door. There stands DOUG.)
(breathy) Oh Doug.
(They kiss, probably with inappropriate passion. )
Won't you come in.
I'd like you to meet my roommate Jenny.
DOUG
Jenny.
JENNY
I'm so happy to meet you.
SIMONE
And her boyfriend, Don.
DOUG
Don.
(DOUG shakes DON's hand, with an excessively firm grip.)
DON
We've heard so much about you, we've really been looking forward to meeting you and . . .
(DOUG's grip debilitates DON)
DOUG
Simone, I brought you a little something.
(DOUG gives envelope to Simone. )
SIMONE
Oh Doug. Whatever could this be--
(Simone opens it)
Oh my GOD!
DOUG
Two tickets to the Joni Mitchell reunion concert.
SIMONE
Oh my God, DOUG!
(SIMONE hugs DOUG)
How did you know?
DOUG
My female intuition.
JENNY
I still don't get why it's called--
SIMONE
Oh Doug, thank you.
DON
Well, let's all sit down shall we?
SIMONE
So Don's our new roommate.
DON
Just for a couple of days while my place is fumigated.
DOUG
Fumigated? You're really fumigating?
DON
Yes.
DOUG
And you condone the callous slaughter of innocent insects.
DON
Oh no never. They aren't innocent insects. They're cockroaches.
DOUG
Cockroaches! Cockroaches are nature's little quarterbacks.
DON
Yeah. I had the entire NFL right there in my kitchen. And I'm not killing them myself. The owner of the building had this extermination company come out and--
DOUG
SILENCE! A moment of silence for our brothers and sisters in the insect kingdom. More victims of our human arrogance and stupidity.
DON
Gee. I never really thought about it like that. Now I feel horrible.
DOUG
You feel horrible? You feel horrible? No. No. You ARE horrible.
We . . . all . . . are . . . horrible!
JENNY
(pause) Drinks anyone?
(JENNY exits.
DOUG puts his arm around DON like Ernest Hemingway might with David Mamet)
DOUG
Don't feel bad. I used to be like you. I used to . . . fumigate.
DON
Really?
DOUG
Years ago. Had ants. Thousands of ants. Millions of ants. Kitchen. Bathroom. Living room. Ants.
DON
And you fumigated?
DOUG
I did. And afterward, I felt horrible, just like you.
DON
A million ants though. That's a lot of ants.
DOUG
But you know, I missed them. I could watch them for hours as they formed these beautiful patterns on the wall. All these ants. It was like living inside a Salvador Dali painting.
Then suddenly . . . gone. Where are my little friends? Gone. Why? Because I had them killed. Now, the world will never know what they had to offer . . . given the opportunity.
SIMONE
Doug feels things very, very deeply.
DOUG
You think I'm an asshole, don't you Don?
DON
Oh no Doug, I like you an awful lot.
JENNY
(JENNY enters)
So Doug, Simone tells us you're a performance artist.
DOUG
Well, my essence is the essence of a poet. Performance art is an extension of that essence. For me, performance art is how I free the words from the page and give them a three dimensional life.
DON
That sounds nice.
JENNY
And now you work in a funeral home?
DOUG
Well, yeah. There was this period where I was, you know, sort of in between poetry jobs and answered this ad in the paper for a funeral home and suddenly, I found myself. THIS is why I was put in the world. I am intensely spiritual, and I have so much to offer people as they deliver a loved one from this world to the next.
SIMONE
Tell them about one of your funeral performances.
DOUG
You want to hear?
DON
Oh yeah!
DOUG
Well, I can describe the last one I did. Everyone assembles in the church. The lights go off. They sit in darkness for about a minute. Suddenly, a flash of light reveals the dearly departed, which I had stuffed by a taxidermist friend of mine. A baby's cry is heard, then a deafening crack of thunder. A sunrise is projected on the rear of the chapel, a sunset on the front. And that's the end. The entire service lasts about two minutes.
JENNY
Wow!
DON
So, yeah. Very powerful. The dead person followed by the baby's cry --
DOUG
The cycle of life.
DON
Exactly. Then sunrise -- sunset, sunrise -- sunset.
DOUG
You got it.
DON
And the thunder. Wow.
DOUG
You . . . you get the thunder, right?
DON
The unseen hand of God in all things.
DOUG
Bingo, amigo.
DON
And the sunrise projected at the rear, so as the congregation exits they are walking into the sunrise. Very, very positive.
DOUG
I'm no cynic. But, you know it's hard to tell the difference between a sunset and a sunrise.
DON
But that's just it. Are we all walking toward a sunset or a sunrise? It depends on your outlook on life.
DOUG
You know, that's what I like about performance art. As you reflect on a performance you discover riches you didn't even know were there.
DON
I like it. But you know, there's something missing. Like, some sense of the deceased.
DOUG
You know, I've been troubled by that too.
DON
Perhaps, instead of just having the flash of lightening on the deceased, you could place the dearly departed at the entrance, greeting people as they arrive.
DOUG
That could be very moving.
DON
Prior to dying, the deceased could record a message, that would be playing next to the stuffed corpse, greeting mourners as they arrive.
DOUG
That could lend a nice, personal touch.
DON
Something like "Thank you for taking time from your busy day to attend my funeral."
SIMONE
STOP IT!!
DOUG
Are you sensitive about this sort of thing sweetheart?
SIMONE
I'm not, but that is . . . disgusting.
DOUG
Sorry, my love.
DON
Sinking barge.
DOUG
What?
DON
Hold the entire funeral on a sinking barge. Make it very real that each and every one of us has limited time on this earth.
(DOUG bangs the table with his fist, jumps out of his seat, points a finger at Don. It seems as though he is upset.)
DOUG
YOU . . . I . . . LIKE!
DON
Do you really think it's a good idea?
DOUG
Who is this man?
JENNY
That's Don, remember, my boy--
DOUG
No, I mean who IS . . . this . . . man? What is he made of?
DON
Well, um, I'm a computer programmer.
DOUG
Computer programmer. You give life to computers.
DON
Well, I've never thought of it like that but--
DOUG
Have you ever considered revolutionizing the entire funeral industry?
DON
You mean, like, recently?
DOUG
I just met you, but I know you, Don. You are sensitive. You are intuitive. You are . . . DON!
DON
Wow . . .
DOUG
(DOUG begins to rub Don's shoulders)
Don, tell me, what is your biggest fear?
DON
Well, um, public speaking. But I'm in Toastmasters and working on my fears and--
DOUG
What is your second biggest fear?
DON
Well, death I guess.
DOUG
Death.
DON
Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, isn't that rather normal?
DOUG
Yes. Yes Don, that is normal. And why do you fear death?
DON
Well, because I don't know what it is.
DOUG
You don't know what it is.
DON
Well, no. I mean, I've never even seen a dead person.
DOUG
Never seen a dead person. Never seen a dead person. Half the people who have ever walked upon the face of earth are now dead. The current population of the world is huge, wouldn't you agree?
DON
Got me there.
DOUG
And for every living human being, there is a dead human being. Now that's a lot of dead people. But you have not seen one of them? Does that strike you as . . . unnatural?
DON
I suppose so.
DOUG
OF COURSE IT'S UNNATURAL!!!
Don, do you think that animals hold a similar fear of death?
DON
No. And they're probably comfortable with public speaking.
DOUG
Jenny, do you enjoy walking in the forest?
JENNY
I love the great outdoors.
DOUG
And what do you love about the great outdoors?
JENNY
I love the green, the fresh air. I love being surrounded by all that wild--
DOUG
And as you walk through the forest, do you ever come across dead animals?
JENNY
No, . . . none that I can remember.
DOUG
Does that strike you as . . . unnatural?
JENNY
Well, no. I mean it's in the great outdoors, so it must be natural, right?
DOUG
EXACTLY. So here we have it. Dead animals are hidden from view, and yet animals probably do not fear death. Dead people are hidden from view, and we fear death. So what is the difference?
DON
Don't know.
DOUG
The necrophorus mortuorum beetle. More popularly known as the sexton beetle. While the cockroach is nature's quarterback, the sexton beetle is nature's undertaker. Using its spade-shaped antennae, this industrious insect excavates around the corpse of say, a dead mouse, until, by a process of gradual undermining, the mouse sinks into its grave. The female necrophorus mortuorum beetle lays her eggs in the corpse, which is then carefully buried beneath dirt.
For larger animals that meet their maker, the insects work together with their friends in the higher phylum, such as jackals and vultures, to swiftly deal with the dearly departed.
So, the animals work together as a community to send the dead on their final journey. Its part of being an animal. Animals accept death as a part of life.
What would entice us, the human species, to accept death as a part of life?
JENNY
Putting the fun back in funeral?
DOUG
EXACTLY!
We do not dispose of our dead as nature intended. We do not leave Grandma's earthly remains in the back yard to be tenderly cared for by the sexton beetle. And I intend to change that. I am not talking here about mere funerals. That is child's play. What I intend to do is alter Western Civilization's approach to death.
DON/jenny/simone
(in awe) Wow.
DOUG
And I want you to help me.
DON
Gee, I don't know.
DOUG
Don, where will you be when the death revolution sweeps the country? Sitting on the sidelines? Or will you join me, in the heart of the fray, standing hand in hand with the necrophorus mortuorum beetles?
DON
You know, it's funny, but I did have an idea about this once.
DOUG
Do tell.
DON
I thought, someone should create a service on the Internet where families can have memorial web sites created for loved ones.
DOUG
Go on.
DON
The site could include pictures of deceased. Favorite quotes. An online discussion forum where people could share stories and feelings. This would give friends and relatives from far away who can't make it to the funeral an opportunity to connect to the community of people who loved the person who died.
For people who know they are going to die soon, they could even leave a message on the web site for the people left behind.
Perhaps you could keep the site online for three months or so, and then give it to the family and it becomes something they can cherish forever.
(long pause)
Well, okay, maybe it's a dumb idea.
DOUG
Kill me. All right? Just kill me right now. You know why? Because I want one of these funerals.
Genius. That's what you are. Pure Genius.
Can you create these sites?
DON
Sure. Piece of cake.
DOUG
Good. Create a site that we can show to clients. Now, how much should we charge clients for this?
JENNY
We charge?
DON
Hmmm. How about if we just include it in the package.
DOUG
Everyone who uses us automatically gets a complimentary commemorative web site.
DON
Or why limit it to our company?
JENNY
Our company?
DON
This could be a service sold to funeral homes throughout the nation. Everyone would know to check . . . death.com when a loved one died.
DOUG
Where have you been all my life?
DON
And it's always so awkward after someone dies to then find out when and where the funeral will be held. Now you just go to death.com. Perhaps the family wants donations to a favorite charity in lieu of flowers. All this could be on the web site, and save the family the hassle of giving the same information over and over to people, during their time of sorrow.
DOUG
We could sell advertising to florists, estate planners--
DON
Death and taxes. We got you covered.
DOUG
sympathy cards, travel agencies--
DON
For those out of state funerals.
Caterers--
DOUG
for the wake . . .
DON
And what about support services--
DOUG
Hospice care--
DON
Grief counseling.
DOUG
Death and dying books.
You realize what we got here?
DON
This is above and beyond simple funeral services.
DOUG
This is a --
DOUG/don
Death Emporium!
DOUG
Yes!
Okay, while I'm staying here, I'll work on our business plan. Try to figure out how the whole thing fits together.
JENNY
Staying here?
SIMONE
Oh, yeah. Umm, would you mind? Just for a couple of days.
JENNY
Well--
DON
Sure! Oh this will be fun.
JENNY
Don?
DON
We can have a bar-b-que every night and everything.
JENNY
DON!
DON
What?!
JENNY
I need some help in the kitchen.
DON
Gee, everything is right here, why do we need to--
(JENNY's glare stops him)
Right. Kitchen.
JENNY
Excuse us a moment.
(DON and JENNY go to separate area of stage. Perhaps Simone and Doug make out passionately.)
JENNY
What are you doing?
DON
Did I do something wrong?
JENNY
You just met this guy. Now you're going into business together?
DON
We're just talking about it.
JENNY
I have never heard you say that your life-long dream was to get into the death industry.
DON
It isn't but--
JENNY
But suddenly you're throwing your entire career out the window and going into business with a nut case.
DON
Doug isn't a nut case. I think he's --
DON / jenny
a nice guy.
JENNY
Right. A nice guy who's role model is a beetle.
DON
I think it is rather endearing to--
JENNY
You scare me sometimes Don. You really do. You completely lack the ability to judge character.
DON
Doug is a little eccentric perhaps but--
JENNY
I don't trust him. He's sleazy.
DON
Jenny! I really think you are over reacting.
JENNY
Really. Okay. Maybe so. Shall we return?
DON
That's it? Argument over?
JENNY
Argument over.
(returning to living room)
DON
Who won?
(follows Jenny.
DON and JENNY return to living room. If Simone and Doug have been making out, they compose themselves.)
JENNY
We're back.
SIMONE
Is everything okay?
JENNY
Fine. Fine.
DOUG
I hope I haven't upset anything.
JENNY
No. No. Fine. Fine. Everything's fine.
So Doug, Simone tells us you're married.
(awkward pause)
DOUG
Yes. Yes I am. My wife lives up in Seattle.
JENNY
Big wedding ceremony?
DOUG
Huge! The reception lasted until the next morning. We had people--
JENNY
Wrote your own marriage vows I bet.
DOUG
Writing marriage vows is every poet's dream. It was beautiful. By the time the ceremony was over there was not a dry eye in the house.
JENNY
Oh I can just imagine it was beautiful. Then to think, just a few short years later you would be down here making a complete mockery of the entire service.
SIMONE
JENNY!
DOUG
My wife and I have a very special understanding. We aren't hung up on traditional models of relating.
JENNY
So you have told your wife you are down here having an affair?
SIMONE
Jenny! That is really none of your--
DOUG
I don't think I put it exactly like that but--
JENNY
I'm just curious how you did put it then?
SIMONE
I am not going to sit here and--
JENNY
Oh come on Simone. We all know men deceive their wives all the time. I mean, is that news to anyone in this room?
Some do it by omitting little details, others do it by concocting elaborate lies, others do it by sneaking around and never mentioning anything. All I'm asking Doug is "what form of deception do you prefer?"
SIMONE
I think we should just drop this entire--
JENNY
It's an innocent enough question, don't you think so Doug?
DOUG
As I say, all my relationships fall outside conventional paradigms.
JENNY
So you told her?
SIMONE
EXCUSE ME!
(SIMONE pulls JENNY aside)
SIMONE
(stage whisper to Jenny) What are you doing?
JENNY
I think we're having an interesting conversation.
SIMONE
You are humiliating me.
JENNY
Am I? I'm so sorry. I'll drop the subject.
SIMONE
And apologize to Doug.
JENNY
Certainly.
(SIMONE and JENNY return)
SIMONE
Everyone, Jenny has something she would like to say.
Jenny?
JENNY
I really must apologize to you Doug. Here I've been droning on and on about your wife. I haven't asked you a thing about yourself.
DOUG
You are inquisitive. Nothing to apologize for.
JENNY
Like your name.
DOUG
Ah yes. A subject of great interest to many people, I assure you.
JENNY
Like many people would be too embarrassed to change their name to just be one name. I mean, most people would find that rather pretentious, but I guess you don't.
DON
Jenny!
SIMONE
THAT DOES IT!
DOUG
Please. (then, to Jenny)
I think that depends on what you change your name to. If I had changed it to something like, Sinbad, well, that would be pretentious. But no, I wanted to celebrate the little people, exalt a lowly name. Doug. Just plain Doug. I have taken this common name and put it on a pedestal. I challenge you to name one person named Doug who was ever a success ex--
JENNY
(overlapping) Douglas MacArthur.
DOUG
EXCEPT FOR . . . you didn't let me finish. Rushing, rushing. Always rushing. But where to?
Except for . . . Douglas MacArthur.
JENNY
Douglas Fairbanks Jr. Douglas Adams. Mike Douglas. McDonald-Douglas. Kirk Douglas.
DON
Sir Douglas Quintet.
JENNY
Snoop Dougy Doug.
SIMONE
Okay. Look. I think it is very sweet that Doug is named Doug.
DON
Why don't we talk about our new business idea?
JENNY
Good. For example--
SIMONE
Wait. Not you.
DOUG
We should hear from all parties concerned.
JENNY
Well, I'm curious how many people will pay to have a performance art funeral?
DOUG
This is life's last ceremony. People pay to have funerals. Why not performance art funerals?
JENNY
I don't know. Just trying to make money off of something that has the word "art" in it . . . .
DOUG
Sad state of affairs, is it not? Such an important calling, to be an artist. Yet society gives such little compensation for such a sacred duty. Look around us. Look at this silverware. A thing of beauty. An honor to even hold in your hand. Took someone days to create. Yet it probably is not worth more than . . . $200?
JENNY
Excuse me but that set is my mom's and it appraised for over seven thousand dollars.
(DOORBELL rings)
SIMONE
I'll get it.
(SIMONE opens door. It's MORRIS)
MORRIS
Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong--
DOUG
Morris, Morris come in.
MORRIS
Oh, Doug you are here.
DOUG
Morris is my new partner in the funeral business. Morris, this is Simone.
MORRIS
Enchante'.
DOUG
And Don and Jenny
DON/Jenny
Hello Morris.
DOUG
Morris has a most holy position in the organization. He prepares the body of the deceased for passage to the after life.
MORRIS
I'm a beautician for dead people.
DOUG
Morris is an artist. His tools are simple. A hair brush, some mascara, a touch of rouge. His canvas, the human body. And his calling is to prepare the body for the greatest journey of them all.
The ancient Greek took with him on his last journey, coins with which to reward Charon for safe passage of his soul over the dark waters of the Styx. With Morris' able hand, the soul needs no coin. Charon's reward is to be in the radiant presence of one of Morris' masterpieces.
MORRIS
By the time I'm done with 'em they wish they'd died years ago.
SIMONE
This sounds like a disturbing profession.
MORRIS
Oh, not at all. Here.
(MORRIS produces some snap shots)
I always carry around a few samples of my work. Here we go. Before and after. Guess. Just guess in which photo the person is dead.
(SIMONE declines the offer)
JENNY
Here, let me take a look. Wow, that is remarkable.
MORRIS
Hard to believe. One is pre and one is post Morris. Go ahead guess in which photo she's dead.
JENNY
My guess is the photo where her eyes are closed.
MORRIS
Oh rats. That's a dead give away.
(MORRIS laughs at his unintended joke)
MORRIS
Lets see if I can find the photo of the guy who requested lime-green embalming fluid. You'll die.
(MORRIS laughs again at joke)
DON
My cousin is a homosexual.
(long, awkward pause)
MORRIS
Really? I probably know him.
DON
I was wondering.
SIMONE
Oh, Don.
DON
What? He is. Jenny, you've met my cousin Leonard. I mean, it's not as obvious as, um, you know, some . . .
JENNY
Morris, can I get you anything?
MORRIS
Just water thanks.
SIMONE
So Morris, you just met Doug?
MORRIS
About two weeks ago.
DOUG
Morris, I think Don has some good ideas for our business.
MORRIS
Really?
DON
Well, I don't know.
DOUG
Don's a visionary. He's going to handle the Internet arm of our business.
DON
Well, I--
MORRIS
You do that sort of thing?
DON
I'm a computer programmer.
MORRIS
Don, this is very spiritual work that Doug and I are engaged in. Now if we are going to be partners I need to know a bit more about you.
DON
Certainly.
MORRIS
I'd like to ask you about your beliefs. Your deeply held beliefs.
DON
You mean, like, believing that the right office product can transform your life? That sort of thing?
MORRIS
Yes.
DON
I firmly believe that people should be nicer to one another.
MORRIS
I'm with you there.
DON
And that object-oriented programming beats structured programming hands down.
MORRIS
I'll give you that one.
DON
And I'm sick to death of sports utility vehicles. Is that a belief?
MORRIS
Certainly, if you feel it very deeply. But what about beliefs regarding love, life, death?
DON
Well, gee I guess I believe in all those things.
MORRIS
Let's take love for example. I am guessing that you and Jenny are sweethearts?
DON
Yes.
MORRIS
So you love Jenny?
DON
With all my heart.
MORRIS
What do you believe about love?
DON
I believe we all walk around with our own Venn Diagrams defining who we are. The secret to love is to find intersecting Venn Diagrams. I feel so lucky having met Jenny. You know, I go to parties and meet women who are only one or two standard deviations away from Jenny. But there is no way I would ever want to spend my life with them like I want to spend my life with Jenny. And I think to myself "There, but for a standard deviation, go I."
JENNY
Don, that is so sweet.
MORRIS
I think I can say without reservation, that I would be honored to have you as a business partner.
DON
Great!
SIMONE
So you work on dead people, only? What about live people?
MORRIS
The dead ones keep me busy. But I see people all the time that I would just love to get my hands on. You, for example.
SIMONE
Really! Do you think you could do something about this here. (indicating hair) It's always in my eyes, but when I get it cut, I look horrible.
MORRIS
The problem is the way your hair is parted, the length is fine.
SIMONE
Wow. You might be right.
MORRIS
I could fix you up in a jiffy. Let me just go back to the car and get a few things.
DOUG
A rare treat to experience Morris in action.
MORRIS
Be right back.
(MORRIS exits)
SIMONE
Oh, this is exciting!
DON
He's one of a kind, that Morris.
SIMONE
Don, can I say something . . . helpful . . . about your personality?
DON
Aw Oh. Do you have, what you people call, "an issue?"
SIMONE
Yes. Yes Don.
I think
I have
an
issue
with
you.
DON
One must always be willing to hear feedback about their personality.
SIMONE
When meeting someone who is different from you, lets say someone who is obviously gay, one personality might be the type to quietly note that this person is different and then perhaps join in the conversation without making a big deal about it. A second type of personality might be the type to say "My cousin is a homosexual."
The first type of personality . . . IS BETTER.
DON
Do you think I offended him?
(MORRIS returns)
MORRIS
Okay my little bud. Morris is here to help you blossom.
SIMONE
I'm yours Morris.
DON
I hope I didn't offend you by mentioning my cousin.
MORRIS
(to Simone) Here my pet.
(to Don) One must be strong and and brave when one is Morris.
DON
Leonard, my cousin. He's in advertising.
MORRIS
(fussing with Simone's hair) Really?
DON
You've seen that billboard that has a picture of some guy with a bare, bronzed torso, glistening with sweat, rippling with muscle, being clutched from behind by what looks like these leopard paws?
SIMONE
You mean that feminine hygiene ad?
DON
Yes.
MORRIS
(MORRIS can't seem to get comfortable with Simone's hair)
He created that ad campaign?
DON
No, I don't think so.
MORRIS
Oh.
DON
But that's his torso.
MORRIS
What did you say his name was?
DON
Leonard. You two really should meet--
SIMONE
Is something the matter?
MORRIS
Its just . . . here, would you mind lying on the table?
(He clears an area on the table. SIMONE hesitates but obliges)
It's just . . . you know . . . most of my clients are not sitting up.
There we go.
And yes . . . just relax.
(MORRIS crosses SIMONE's arms across her chest like a corpse)
Comme ca'.
That's nice.
(MORRIS is obviously still struggling with something)
Now . . .
SIMONE
What's wrong?
MORRIS
I'm sorry darling it's just . . . would you mind closing your eyes?
SIMONE
(SIMONE springs up, disgusted)
That's it!
MORRIS
I'm sorry, it just sort of gives me the heebie-jeebies.
SIMONE
No thanks.
MORRIS
Now I have offended.
DON
It's okay Morris. Simone is strong and brave, just like you.
MORRIS
Well, anyway, I probably should be going. I just popped in for a quick howdy-do.
JENNY
Well Morris, it was a pleasure. I guess we will be seeing more of you.
MORRIS
The pleasure was mine. Don, Simone.
DON/simone
Bye.
DOUG
I think we have assembled quit a team here, wouldn't you agree Morris?
MORRIS
This is going to be as big as the Egg McMuffin.
(MORRIS exits)
SIMONE
Look, Don and I will clean up in the kitchen.
JENNY
(JENNY stands up)
Nonsense, Don and I can --
SIMONE
You and Doug got off to a rocky start. Why not get to know each other a little better.
JENNY
That's thoughtful, I just --
SIMONE
Don?
DON
I'm right behind you.
(SIMONE and DON exit.)
(awkward pause)
DOUG
You and I have met before.
JENNY
What?
DOUG
You must recognize me. You go by the name "The Butterfly." I just saw you last month.
JENNY
What are you talking about?
DOUG
At the Ultra Lounge.
JENNY
The Ultra Lounge!?! That strip club?
DOUG
No one can lap dance like "The Butterfly."
JENNY
That is absolutely offensive.
DOUG
I am so sorry. I did not mean to offend. Just a case of mistaken identity. So it wasn't you?
JENNY
Absolutely not.
DOUG
Please accept my apologies.
JENNY
It's okay. It really is.
DOUG
It's just the resemblance is --
JENNY
Those erotic dancing places are so pathetic. I can't believe anyone would admit to going there.
DOUG
Or working there.
(a moment)
JENNY
Strip clubs are so ... degrading.
DOUG
Yes, they are. At the Ultra Lounge, men are treated like faceless cash cows by the women. Yet the men worship these women, paying them handsomely for just a few minutes of affection and tenderness.
JENNY
If you don't like it, then don't go.
DOUG
But the Butterfly is different.
JENNY
I'm really not comfortable talking about --
DOUG
The Butterfly gives you her undivided attention. While she is with me I feel like I am the most important person in the world.
JENNY
Really.
DOUG
It doesn't matter that for ten dollars she'll make the next customer feel the same way.
JENNY
Ten dollars? No, you must have been at the Millennium Club.
(a moment)
It's just --
DOUG
(DOUG approaches Jenny)
Yes.
JENNY
I know people who have . . .
DOUG
The Butterfly has a tattoo. A very special butterfly, tattooed right ...
(DOUG reaches around Jenny,
to the small of her back)
here.
(A moment. )
JENNY
I do NOT . . .
(JENNY grabs his wrist forcefully and pulls it from behind her.)
have . . . a tattoo.
(SIMONE enters)
SIMONE
Ah, now that's better. I just knew you two needed some time to get acquainted. Don, come look, like a couple of old friends.
(DON enters)
DON
Hey. That's more like it.
SIMONE
Look, how about we all go out dancing at Blake's Bar, where Doug and I met. Jenny, what do you say?
JENNY
I'm gonna bow out, need to get Don settled in here.
DON
We could do that later, I really don't have that much st --
(JENNY's look stops him cold.)
On the other hand, we still have some clean up to do and --
DOUG
Well, if you change your mind you know where to find us.
SIMONE
Don't wait up.
DON
You kids have fun.
(DOUG and SIMONE exit.)
(Awkward, silent moment between DON AND JENNY. JENNY is cold.)
DON
Should I wash the china by hand?
JENNY
Yes.
(JENNY begins stomping on cans.)
DON
Recycling?
JENNY
(Stomp, looks up at Don) Recycling.
DON
You're upset.
(JENNY stomps a can)
I really get the sense that you are upset.
(Stomp)
Did we really drink that many sodas?
(Stomp)
You're upset about this business plan?
JENNY
No.
DON
Well, what then?
JENNY
I'm upset by your choice of business partners.
DON
You don't like Morris?
JENNY
Morris is fine.
DON
You don't like Doug.
JENNY
Do you?
DON
I think Doug is a nice per-
JENNY
(Stops DON with a look)
DON
And anyway, we're just talking about an idea.
JENNY
And I really think it's a good idea. I think your death web site is a great idea. That's not the issue. The issue is you are being bamboozled into a business relationship with an unsavory character.
DON
Well, you . . . were acting a little unsavory yourself tonight.
JENNY
I'm sorry. It's just, if we get married, he will be like this third party in bed with us. That's what it's like when you start up a company with someone. They become this constant presence in your life.
DON
You said "if we get married."
JENNY
I mean, when we get married.
DON
Have you told Simone yet?
JENNY
We've only decided to get married a few weeks ago.
DON
You haven't told Simone.
JENNY
(shakes her head "no")
don
I would think you would be excited to tell your roommate.
Are you having doubts?
(no response)
Jenny?
JENNY
The way you were tonight, Don . . . sometimes you seem to lack, well, common sense.
(DON is hurt by this. He can't respond.)
You don't seem to recognize that Doug is shifty.
DON
Shifty?
JENNY
Yeah, you know . . .
(JENNY mimes being shifty)
DON
I'm sorry Jenny, he just doesn't seem . . .
(DON mimics Jenny)
to me.
JENNY
His story doesn't add up. He's been here two weeks.
DON
No he hasn't.
JENNY
He said he met Morris two weeks ago. Did he meet Morris here? In Seattle? Where has he been staying the past two weeks? Why is he moving in with us now? If he lives in Seattle, why is he getting business partners here? Is he moving down here?
(DON carries stuff out to the kitchen
DON is in and out during this conversation.)
What about his family and friends in Seattle? And why did he change his name?
DON
I'm sure there is an explanation for all of that.
JENNY
(Stomps on a wayward can)
DON
(pause) Okay, how about this. I'll talk to some venture capitalists about death.com. If I don't get funding, then we just drop the whole thing. If I do get funding, then we can worry about Doug.
(DON carries more stuff out to the kitchen.)
JENNY
(pause) Well, I guess.
(a moment)
Don?
DON
(DON sticks his head in from the kitchen)
Yes.
JENNY
(pause) Umm . . . Thanks.
(BLACK OUT)